After seeing an item stamped “return to sender”, I got thinking.
The word “return” is based in latin: re (back) + tornare (to turn). ie to turn back.

I figured I’d make few other useful phrases, that I could use in my postal affairs, which stemmed from the word ‘return’.

The List of Alternate “Returns”.

• abturn [ab = away from]:   “quick send it anywhere, but here”
• scopeturn [scope = examine]:   “on closer inspection, you can have it back”
• teleturn [tele = distance]:   “I decided it was best to send it far, far away”
• anturn [an = without]:   “I sent it back empty”
• adturn [as = toward]:   “send to this John instead”
• ambiturn [ambi = both sides]:   “I don’t want it back, you have it.”
• antiturn [anti = against]:   “this thing seems un-returnable”
• disturn [dis = not]:   “I refuse to send it back”
• poleinturn [polein = money]:   “I will sell it back to you… how’s $50 sound?”
• archturn [arch = ancient]:   “It took them way too long to return it…”
• autoturn [auto = self]:   “Everything is sent back automatically”
• agereturn [agere = agent]:   “I’m sending it back on their behalf”
• biturn [bi = turn]:   “I sent it back in two parts”
• polyturn [poly = many]:   “I sent it back broken into many parts”
• bioturn [bio = life]:   “it turned mouldy, have it back.”
• mortiturn [morti = dead]:   “it died, have it back.”
• egoturn [ego = myself]:   “I gave it back…. to myself!”
• preturn [pre = before]:   “on the way to a returner”
• postturn [post = after]:   “on the way back from the returner”
• psycheturn [psyche = mind, soul]:   “believed to be returned”
• sinturn [sin = together]:   “returned with some other stuff as well”
• phageturn [phage = eat]:   “After starting to eat it, I decided to send it back.”
• periturn [peri = around]:   “Gave it to John, to give to Bob, to give to you.”
• nomenturn [nomen = name]:   “Sent it on, to the correct person…”
• liberturn [liber = free]:   “I set it free”
• publicusturn [publicus = public]:   “gave it back, but made a big scene in public.”
• portoturn [porto = carry]:   “I had to carry it back”
• maniturn [mania = obsessive]:   “absolutely has to return everything on time”
• fraterturn [frater = brother]:   “actually, I sent it to your brother”
• identurn [idem = the same]:   “returned to you something identical”
• homoturn [home = same]:   “returned to you something similar”
• geoturn [geo = earth]:   “I buried it.”
• exturn [ex = out]:   “I threw it outside.”
• epiturn [epi = over]:   “I threw it over the fence.”
• ripariaturn [riparia = river]:   “I threw it in the lake.”

All these uni adverts with different reasons you should attend them.
None say “Hey south paws, you can actually take notes if you enrol with us”.

Solution in this video.

1 Change the assignment several times while students are working on it.

2 Assign 5 new members to the team 2 days before the assignment is due, claiming extra resources are needed. The students are told that ‘mythical man month’ does not apply in this case because of awesome management skills.

3 Have the best programmer in the team designated ‘programmer’. Then have other members fill the roles of ‘manager’, ‘second in charge’, ‘systems documenter’, ‘risk analysis officer’, ‘system analyst’ and ‘software tester’.
Everyone can say the programmer is not an important part of the team and does no real work. Everyone gets more grades than the programmer. Everyone gets to blame the programmer if the assignment is running late.

4 Request all work be done between 9am to 5pm.
Anyone arriving to assignment late is docked marks. The non-programmer who stays back latest it awarded the highest grade. Any programmer staying back late is deemed to be behind schedule and has to explain their lapse to the entire team at the next ‘scrum’.

5 Every week the IT assignment group (except the ‘programmer’) must meet with a MBA student group. The MBA students get to arbitrarily change the IT assignment groups project in anyway they please.

6 Every fortnight some marketing students explain to the lecturer that IT students are a ‘cost center’ while marketing is a ‘profit center’. The lecture will take some marks from the IT students and give them to the marketing students.

7 The marketing students project is to set new requirements for the IT groups project. The more ambitious the requirement the better their grade. Any requirement that is not delivered by the IT group’s assignment, is entirely the fault of the IT group.

8 The IT students will have to complete ‘assignment 2.0’ the following year. They will have a team of Indian exchange students to help the programmer. The team also gets a student from the psychology department to be called ‘HR officer’. This student deals with the team so that the IT student who is ‘manager’ does not have to get so stressed.

9 In the final year of study they will have to complete ‘assignment 3.0’. In this year the IT project group will be acquired by another university and will have to integrate their assignment with the assignment from another group in the new university.

10 If the students in the economics school school fail a test, the MBA student team gets to retrench a non-manager IT student from the project. The retrenched IT student is not trustable, so the student will have his uni login and access cards, secretly disabled. The IT student will discover he/she is no longer part of the team when trying to use their access card, or attempting to login to a computer. This causes campus security to appear and escort the student off the university premises.

Sign-offs used formally in the first messages sent between two parties.

• Yours sincerely, this is our ‘first formal email’.  BTW: If this is not our first formal email, things are not progressing well.
• Best regards, I liked your ‘first formal email’, lets use “Cheers,” from now on.
• Regards, I disliked your ‘first formal email’.

Common sign-offs.

• Sincerely,   This message started with “Dear [insert name here]”.
• Sincerely yours,  I like to read flowery romance novels.
• -[My Name], Your on my shit list
• -[My initials], So many emails have gone back and forth its more like a chat, so I am dropping the sign off.

• Cheers,  Standard casual and friendly sign off. your not on my shit list.
• Cheers!, I’m an American, but trying not to act like it.
• Hope this helps, I just solved your problem, big time!

When people actually still use ‘yours’

• Yours, Hint, hint…
• Yours truly, Can I please be your pen-pal?

Politely worded insults.

• Awaiting your response, Had enough of your bullshit, This email conversation is being recorded.
• I am, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,  You can totally get fucked, I got a new job lined up.
• I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant Oops, the other job I had lined up didn’t work out.
• Take care, …as I expect to not hear from you for a while.

Romantic undertones?

• Warm regards, by the way, are you single?
• Warmest regards, I’m a bit creepy..

Business speak.

• Looking forward to meeting you,  your resume was very good.
• Looking forward to our next meeting,  That last meeting didn’t suck.

Messages of thanks.

• Thanks, The author hands out a lot of tasks.
• Thanks!  The author hands out a lot of tasks, and is a bit of jerk.
• THANKS!!!  The appreciative author is not accustomed to giving praise.
• Thanks-you so much, Author is genuinely appreciative.
• Many thanks, I’m a genuinely appreciative person, who works in finance.
• 10q. Appreciative maths geek.. [say “10q” out loud]
• Tanks very much,  When you have a second, I also need help with the spelling auto-correct.
• THX, Appreciative person who answers emails via their cell phone.

Affectionate.

• Best wishes, This e-mail was in lieu of a greeting card.
• Love, If you don’t also rely with ‘Love’, its probably going to get a bit awkward.
• TTFN, Author is not yet sick of the response ‘What does TTFN mean?’.
• XOXO, Author is a teenager… or a cougar.
• Keep in touch, Further correspondence is your responsibility.

Auto Generated..

• Sent from my iPhone,  Typos never looked so cool.
• Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail. Seriously dude its 2015, and I’m sick of you printing out my emails.

Unusual, but refusing to die.

• Sounds awesome, Let me rap with you, younger person.
• Ciao!  I’m an American, but trying not to act like it (see Cheers!).
• Adiós muchachos!, (I’m an American, but trying not to act like it (see Cheers!).
• See you in Church,  Yay we are in the same club.
• God Bless,   Because invoking the Lords blessing is not uncomfortable in a business setting at all.
• No probs, Relax, I got this.
  

Misc,

• Hasta la vista baby, This was either the coolest or dorkiest e-mail ever!

and finally….

• This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this e-mail by mistake you must notify the sender immediately and delete this e-mail from your system. Be advised that any unauthorised use, dissemination, forwarding, printing or copying of this information is strictly prohibited.  – See how my company lawyer likes to say these things; just like you (or the courts) would give a shit. Please don’t take the fact that this e-mail closes with threats of legal action personally.